Marketing Genius

It’s clear I spent just a tad too much time in front of the TV over Christmas break. The days were full of family fun but the evenings were free for me to channel surf. So I did!
It’s safe to say I am no genius but I did spend a few days learning about marketing strategies in college. In fact, I chose to major in the subject. My dusty, 17-year-old diploma (complete with the fact that I’ve never really directly used my marketing degree in my career) seems to give me just the right amount of ‘right to complain’ about what I feel are ad campaigns that completely missed the mark.

How ’bout that for a run-on sentence?!

Dear Marketing Executives:

Starting with the Paper Towel Peeps
Listen, dear folks, if you think for one second that I, or any other mother in her right mind, can relate to the mother in your commercials, you’re sadly mistaken. I’m pretty sure there are thousands of women across the country who would be sending that kid to time-out for spilling his huge glass of chocolate milk across the counter top. He just sits there with some ridiculous grin on his face like this happens all the time and his mom is just dippy enough to race to clean it up. Every time.

Get a rag, kid. Your mom is smiling as she cleans your mess up so she is clearly at her breaking point. Help her. 

Better yet, RUN!!! 

Howsabout your talent scouts get a mom who looks like the moms I know. Give her a roll of paper towels and put her to work cleaning up peanut butter smeared through hair. Or jelly wiped not on but under the counter top edge. Dog vomit is always good for a test of the quality of a paper towel. Pretty sure I’d buy cases of your towels if you made a commercial proving how easy it is to clean that up.

Last request…. please, for the love, make her appear just a little frazzled. Like it isn’t her life’s joy to be cleaning these messes up for kids who idly watch her as she works.If in the end she has some peanut butter and dog vomit on her clothing, even better. That, my friends, would be a Sweeps Week worthy commercial.

Feminine Hygiene Products

To all the feminine hygiene companies with an X in the name, I’m going to just lay it out there for you. Menstruation isn’t a vacation or a holiday. It’s not something women like to coordinate with a pool party, diving competition, luau or track meet. I don’t believe my girlfriends purposely plan salsa dancing or rock climbing escapades during this time of month.

Just saying.

So unless your next commercial shows some lady with zit cream throwing an empty bottle of wine and a Breyers container in the trash, many of us won’t be able to relate. If she is crying or screaming at her husband, I will buy stock in your company.

If she is throwing the wine bottle/Breyers container at her husband while screaming, I will buy even more.


Seriously, amazingly built supermodel lady? Are you scowling because you have a 1/4 inch patch of dry skin on your elbow? Oh no, did you nick your knee while shaving? That must be a real blow to your self esteem. Lucky for you that a dime size drop of lotion or a new 37 bladed razor corrects your mega personal flaw and allows you to slip your way into a red silk dress to dance the night away. Shew! Crisis averted!

So, marketing folks, let’s try a woman whose skin is so dry from forgetting to moisturize that she might crumble into dust if touched. Her legs haven’t been shaved since sometime in the summer. Of 2013.

Soooooo…….perhaps the 37 blade razor might work for her. But let’s get her two just in case.
After she shaves, let’s see what happens after she uses half the bottle of lotion to try and get her skin back to anything but the winter grayish color it has become. Oh, yeah, and instead of the silky red number, have her slip on a six-inch-thick green fuzzy robe at the end of the ad. If she’s wearing night cream on her face, super.


Most every infomercial for any product ever aired on television in any country ever.

I appreciate that someone has worked diligently to invent a product worthy of national air time. However, your attempts to align me with what must be the most dense people on earth is mildly offensive. And believe me, sometimes I feel reeeeaaaaallllyyyy dense all on my own.

Are you telling me that you believe a woman can’t paint a wall without falling off a ladder and dumping three full gallons of paint onto herself and her floor? A floor that apparently has no drop cloths? Wow, I’m as dopey as she is! So I will DEFINITELY buy your new handheld paint bucket.

Or like the man in your commercials, I also have issues using a normal knife! I find that when I slice a tomato I mash it into what is essentially tomato sauce. And nearly cut off four of my fingers. Perhaps your fancy knife will help me not be such a clumsy fool! It is an added bonus that I can also cut a tin can in half should I need to do so.

I also appreciate the man who grills and attempts to remove food with his bare hands. I, too, am physically weak and can’t hold scorching chicken breasts, hot off the grill, in my hand. Thankfully your fancy gloves came to the rescue!

Dear executives, I will now step down from my soapbox. As I mentioned previously, it is evident the boob tube has impacted my brain. Fortunately, I ordered this fancy blanket that covers my television monitor and prevents me from overindulging in the new year. It comes with blinder goggles in case I forget how to use my remote and have no idea how to turn the television off!

Thanks, infomercial!

*If you love infomercials as much as I do, check out this link from Buzzfeed.
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